3: the art of producing illusions by sleight of hand
B & K went to a friend's birthday party today. There was a magician there, who was great with the kids. He had the kids laughing, oohing and aahing in no time. The first child volunteer he used was K, who reveled in the attention of both the magician and the crowd. J & I had wondered how she would do at the party since it was the birthday of a friend of B's, but she was great. She had a wonderful time running around before the magic show started and was rapt with attention once the show began. When she was not so wonderful was when it was time to go home.
It's generally the little things that set K off. This time, it was the color of a ribbon. Yes, the color of a ribbon. There were two types of gift bags - one with purple ribbons for older children and one with orange ribbons for younger children. K cried, whined and generally threw a fit for approximately 20 minutes because her bag had orange ribbon. Now, some moms might have just averted the tantrum by letting her have one of the other bags the moment she expressed dislike for the orange. But I am frustrated by the way K lets little things like this ruin her entire day and I think trying to create an environment where she is never frustrated will be counter-productive in the long run. So, instead I put up with crying over a ribbon. A lot of crying over a little ribbon.
What I think would be magical would be to have an entire day where my daughters do not fight with each other, do not raise their voices in anger, enjoy each other's company and enjoy their day. Sadly, that would require magic - that an illusion be produced through sleight of hand or other means that I don't know.
I know my daughters love each other. I catch potent glimpses of it every now and then. Today, at the party, when K was chosen to be the magician's volunteer, B yelled, "That's my sister!" Her enthusiasm was genuine and that stems from the love she feels for her. When A danced in The Nutcracker, B told everyone sitting around us that her sister was going to be the black lamb and to watch for her. When A finished onstage, K said to me, "I need to tell A she did a great job!"
So while I'm not completely despairing that our children will fight like this forever, it is unpleasant. I'd love a magical day of peace, quiet and cooperation. It's not likely to come anytime soon, but one can dream...
4 comments:
if you find out how to create this magic please let me know! i have no doubt that micah and jael love each other, but my goodness can they fight. jael is such an instigator and she will try to provoke micah or joshua just for the sheer joy of getting them upset. or just out of boredom. how many times can i say "a soft answer..." "be a peacemaker" "use your words to make people feel good and not bad"...is one of your girls better with kate? micah is better with joshua, so much more nurturing and able to help instead of compete with him, and i find myself unfairly comparing jael to micah...
Oh! The poor dear! I imagine the mother who put together the gift bags didn't have quite enough of purple-bag items for everyone, so she made different bags for the younger kids. ;)
But I know what you mean. There was a boy who had to leave early, and I could tell he did NOT want to leave. He looked disappointed, but did he whine and throw a fit and complain to his mother? No. He just walked off with her. I was in awe.
I think I far too often try to deflect disappointment from hitting my kids. Much to their detriment I now realize.
I made the mistake far more with my eldest. I let the youngest feel the disappointment of a lost balloon at a fair when he was 2-and-a-half. the string looped around his wrist slipped off, and it floated away. I could easily have gotten him another (they were free about 20 steps away), but I didn't.
He was very sad. He talked about it for days. But it was HIS experience. He owned it, and I believe somehow that counted for something.
Aimee: I will gladly share this magic should I happen upon it! I think each of the girls have their share of blame for instigating fights. B is more likely to start a fight out of boredom, as you describe, but A & K will also gladly fight. (Should "glad" and "fight" coexist in the same sentence?)
I think it depends on the day which girl is better with K. A sometimes takes her side in a maternal way, but B is more empathetic and more likely to step in if K's feelings are hurt (by someone other than her!)
Var on a Theme: You know, I think one of my greatest prayers for K right now is that she will learn to handle life's little disappointments with grace. I still sometimes struggle to do this and I'm 36, not 4. She's got a while to work on it, but let's hope she will eventually learn and lesson and that I can patiently teach her that lesson over and over until it sinks in!
Well, I must be the perfect mother because Clara Beth never fights with her siblings :)
I like the thought of wanting your children to learn to handle life's disappointments with grace. I'm not good at that either. We've had some disappointments this year and I'm not sure how well I'm doing with the grace part. I will make that my prayer for both my daughter and for me.
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