AMBIVALENT

1: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

The definition of this word really nails it on the head. I joined Facebook about ten days ago and I think ambivalent accurately describes the way I feel about the experience. I am simultaneously attracted and repulsed by it. While it's been interesting to get a glimpse into the lives of former high school classmates or old colleagues, I am less thrilled about them getting a glimpse into my life. I mean, a lot of these people didn't really know me then, so how can they know me now? How are people who were once acquaintances now branded friends?

I have been interested to see who lives where, what their children look like and other vague facts, but it makes me wonder what my life might look like to them from the outside. And in the next mental breath, I question whether that really matters. Yesterday at Sunday School we were discussing authenticity and what it looks like in relationships. For our small group discussion, we talked about how it might change our earthly relationships if we were more secure in our relationship with Christ. I shared that I think the single biggest thing that could change my earthly relationships is if I were truly secure that God loves me and will not forsake me. Consciously or unconsciously, I seek the approval of others.

The problem with something like Facebook is it doesn't lead to acceptance, authenticity or true friendships. Instead, it entertains your inner voyeur and leads you to compare your life to that of others - rarely a healthy thing.

I'm feeling ambivalent about other aspect of my life as well - like my time management. I feel exceptionally short on time lately. I think because I want time to write, I feel like I have to be extra-productive to justify spending time putting words on paper. That has led to guilt about spending times on valuable activities like running or Bible Study, which are both inwardly productive, but not outwardly. Writing this makes it clear that in this, too, my problem is seeking the approval of others.

How to move past the ambivalence? I'm not entirely sure. I think part of it lies in just doing what I know in my head is right - and that means making time to write, run and study Philippians. It also means rejecting the voice in my head that reminds me that my kitchen floor is dirty, there's laundry that needs to be washed and toys that need to be put away. Like it or not, these things will always be there, whether I am taking care of my inner needs or not.