1 a: feeling shame, guilt, or disgrace b: feeling inferior or unworthy
2: restrained by anticipation of shame (was ashamed to beg)
I have come to the painful realization this weekend that I am raising daughters who do not respect me. It's not an easy thing to admit, but I am hoping that processing my thoughts and emotions in words will help me come to grips with how this has happened and what I can do about it. Both A & B have been consistently disrespectful with their words, actions and facial expressions. J has talked with each of them separately, but we have not seen this impact their behavior thus far.
After a rough weekend with them, today at church I was stopped in the hall to be told that B has been disruptive and disrespectful at church for the last few weeks and it had finally reached the point that they felt J and I should be made aware of it. B's favorite method of disobedience is to stand and argue with me when I ask her to do a simple task. She often starts by asking why I've told her to do something, which I actually do not have a problem with. But it often escalates to her counterpoint for why she shouldn't have to do it. While she rarely outright refuses to obey in words, she turns every request into an argument and does not comply with even the most reasonable of requests. J and I talked with her after church to try to determine what behavior led to us hearing she is being disrespectful and she was unable to come up with anything. What I find most upsetting is that she doesn't even seem aware of when she is being disrespectful.
I think A is aware of when she is being disrespectful, but just doesn't care. She acts like she is entitled to do everything her way and everyone in our family - not just J and I - are burdens she must bear. Her lack of respect emerges most clearly in her tone of voice. She is quick to express her disdain with words and her exceptional verbal skills give her ample ammunition for doing so.
I am ashamed that my children do not respect me. Growing up, I obeyed by father out of fear and I have tried very hard to make sure my children do not fear me. I still do not want them to fear me. It would break my heart. But I don't know how to earn their respect if what I am currently doing results in the behavior we're seeing right now.
While I feared my father, I was also ashamed of him. His behavior embarrassed me and I think I was ashamed that I wasn't good enough for him to love me. It occurred to me today that maybe the reason my daughters don't respect me is because they are ashamed of me. It truly breaks my heart to think this might be the case. I am far from a perfect mother. I am impatient. I sometimes yell. I am inconsistent in enforcing family rules, especially when I am tired or ill. But for all of my failings, I do love them each very much and I have tried to respect them for who they are and not force them into some preconceived notion of who I think my daughters should be. It shames me to think this has not impacted them enough to gain some respect. I thought the way to earn their respect was to respect them. I'm not sure what my new approach should be.
2: restrained by anticipation of shame (was ashamed to beg)
I have come to the painful realization this weekend that I am raising daughters who do not respect me. It's not an easy thing to admit, but I am hoping that processing my thoughts and emotions in words will help me come to grips with how this has happened and what I can do about it. Both A & B have been consistently disrespectful with their words, actions and facial expressions. J has talked with each of them separately, but we have not seen this impact their behavior thus far.
After a rough weekend with them, today at church I was stopped in the hall to be told that B has been disruptive and disrespectful at church for the last few weeks and it had finally reached the point that they felt J and I should be made aware of it. B's favorite method of disobedience is to stand and argue with me when I ask her to do a simple task. She often starts by asking why I've told her to do something, which I actually do not have a problem with. But it often escalates to her counterpoint for why she shouldn't have to do it. While she rarely outright refuses to obey in words, she turns every request into an argument and does not comply with even the most reasonable of requests. J and I talked with her after church to try to determine what behavior led to us hearing she is being disrespectful and she was unable to come up with anything. What I find most upsetting is that she doesn't even seem aware of when she is being disrespectful.
I think A is aware of when she is being disrespectful, but just doesn't care. She acts like she is entitled to do everything her way and everyone in our family - not just J and I - are burdens she must bear. Her lack of respect emerges most clearly in her tone of voice. She is quick to express her disdain with words and her exceptional verbal skills give her ample ammunition for doing so.
I am ashamed that my children do not respect me. Growing up, I obeyed by father out of fear and I have tried very hard to make sure my children do not fear me. I still do not want them to fear me. It would break my heart. But I don't know how to earn their respect if what I am currently doing results in the behavior we're seeing right now.
While I feared my father, I was also ashamed of him. His behavior embarrassed me and I think I was ashamed that I wasn't good enough for him to love me. It occurred to me today that maybe the reason my daughters don't respect me is because they are ashamed of me. It truly breaks my heart to think this might be the case. I am far from a perfect mother. I am impatient. I sometimes yell. I am inconsistent in enforcing family rules, especially when I am tired or ill. But for all of my failings, I do love them each very much and I have tried to respect them for who they are and not force them into some preconceived notion of who I think my daughters should be. It shames me to think this has not impacted them enough to gain some respect. I thought the way to earn their respect was to respect them. I'm not sure what my new approach should be.
2 comments:
Hi Sweet Friend
Be encouraged, you are not on your own. We are dealing with similiar issues with micah. She is too wise in her eyes, it crops up periodically and we have to work through it. I don't she it's because either of the girls is ashamed of you, atleast that had never occurred to me with Micah. I just think her rebellious heart peaks out and she has to be reminded that for now God has placed her under our authority. And there are consequences for not respecting that authority. I saw it spread to how she responded to her aunt yesterday and knew that it needed to be addressed...I'll be praying for God to give you and Jason wisdom....don't lose heart though...
Thanks for the encouragement, Aimee. I'm pretty quick to heap blame on myself when I feel like a failure in one of my "jobs" in life. I like your idea of specifically addressing that God has placed A & B under our authority for now. I think it's partly that we are just entering a new phase of parenting and that scares me a bit.
A just turned 9, so we are halfway through our time with her in our home... and I think the easiest 9 years are probably behind us. I don't feel up to the task!
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