ENVY

1: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage

I've started to experience a new emotion when I read a good book. I have loved reading for as long as I can remember, but only recently have I begun to truly envy the authors of the books I read. Up until a few months ago, I would have said I'd never want to write a book. I would have told you that while I love reading, I just didn't have the desire to write a book of my own. That has now changed dramatically and I positively long to write a book.

There are books that I read by certain authors (Home by Marilynne Robinson, People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks or Thread of Grace by Mary Doria Russell) that I can't even bring myself to envy. Each of these women doesn't just write - it's something bigger and more beautiful than that. But there are others that I read (Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, Nefertiti by Michelle Moran or Book of a Thousand Days by Shannon Hale) that make me think, "Well, I could write that!" And I envy the author for having the seed of an idea needed to start a book, the bravery to start writing and the persistence to keep writing.

I do, as the definition of envy says, "desire to possess the same advantage." I want to have an idea that compels me to pursue it, the time to write for pleasure and the courage to just do it. Because coupled with my envy is a fear. A fear that while I can read any book I want, I am not capable of writing one. That while I can admire and be touched by the creativity of others, I do not have the ability to bless others with my own blend of talents and gifts. Together, the envy and fear leave me crippled. So I limp along reading good or great books and push this desire to write one - or just start writing one - deep down.

Maybe 2009 will bring new emotions as I read - contentment in a good book, thankfulness for the joy it brings or appreciation for the writing, the story and the characters. If the envy remains, I pray God will give me the seed of idea I need to start and the courage to water that seed with words.