Sunday, February 8, 2009

TRANSITION

1 a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

Today, I took A, B and K to a birthday party at an indoor play place filled with inflatables. It all went fairly smoothly until it was time to go home. I found A & K and asked them to go tell their friend happy birthday and good-bye. This was fine, except that K thought she hear the mom say something about snacks, so as I tried to get her out of the party room, she started crying about wanting more snacks. I explained that she misunderstood and there were no more snacks. Yet she still cried as I carried her from the room and to the area where her shoes were waiting.

B was crying at departure as well because I had given her a quarter to spend on one of the video games and she mistakenly put it in a machine that required $.50, so she got nothing for her quarter. She didn't tell me this until it was time to walk out the door and I was unwilling to just fork over another $.25 mainly because I didn't want to have A & K in a holding pattern while B played this game.

As I drove home with two crying children in the van, I thought about how I know that K doesn't do well with transitions. The hardest times of day for her are leaving for school and getting picked up from school. Since I know this, I have tried to adapt my own matter-of-fact style to accommodate her better. I spend a bit more time with her during drop-off than I had to when A & B were her age, but life has transitions. There still comes a time every morning when I have to leave or we all have to get in the van to go somewhere. What occurred to me for the first time
today is that I don't deal all that well with life's bigger transitions.

"Movement or evolution from one stage to another" is challenging for me. This is partly because I often don't have control over the transition, but also because I'm resistant to change when I'm happy with where I am. Right now, I know that one transition is coming. K will start kindergarten next year and I will never again be a mom to preschoolers. I always thought that would signal an uptick in the number of hours I would work outside the home, but that's not what I sense right now. I still enjoy my job, but the tug at my heart is to write for myself, not to write grants. This is exciting to me rather than scary, but I wonder how it will feel when the transition is upon me.

This year has also been more of a transition than I realized it would be. A and B are in 3rd and 2nd grades and K is in pre-K at the same daycare she attended last year. On the surface, it doesn't seem like this would be a big year of transition for us. But for the first time all three of my children are involved in some type of after-school activity. This has changed my job requirements as a mom in unexpected ways. It's been harder to cook than it used to be since my busiest hours are between 3 and 6. That has turned cooking into more of a burden and less of a joy than it used to be. Our afterschool schedule prompted us to take a sabbatical from our community group for the spring since B's basketball practice is in direct conflict with that schedule for more than two months. While this was necessary for us as a family, it was a little sad to leave the group we started more than two years ago, even with it being led by a very capable, committed couple.

As I've typed this, I've slowly realized that while I have seen this year as being a transitional one because of my children and their growth, it's partly been a transition in who I am and what I want to do with my life. Starting in the fall, I began to feel an actual physical pain if I didn't make time to write several times each week. That sounds a little crazy, but it's true. I could ignore the tug at my heart, but if I did, it just became a pull instead of a tug. I've tried to be obedient to that and have used this blog to discipline myself to write more. Our family is experiencing transition as I need more time to explore who I am and how to do what I want to do. J and I chose to give up eleven Thursday nights for me to join an art exploration group. While I believe that will reap benefits for me long-term, it is a commitment and an adjustment for our family, especially during a season when other evenings are packed with ballet, basketball, soccer, art and more ballet.

J has been most gracious to me during this transition. He doesn't mind carry-out from Calypso once a month or a meal that incorporates some prepared foods instead of being completely from scratch. He helps with deciding what activities we let the girls do and, when possible, helps get them to or from their commitments. I hope I'll be as gracious with K in her adjustment to life's little transitions as J has been with me during what I suspect will end up being a great big transition for me.

4 comments:

Chris and Tiana said...

Clara Beth doesn't do well with transitions either. I have to give her lots of warning before the transition comes. If we're doing something the next day, even something normal like church or school, I have to tell her the night before. She doesn't like to have something sprung (is that a word??) on her. When it's almost time for her to do something, I have to set a timer and tell her I'm setting the timer, then when the timer beeps, she knows it's time. I would think it's weird, except that I've realized that she's EXACTLY like me! It's part of being a planner, and not being a spontaneous person. That's why the possibility of an upcoming transition for my family has me feeling so anxious, because I CAN'T plan for it and I might have to allow myself to be spontaneous. It stresses me out. It's funny how your kids so often have the qualities you see in yourself, but at least I know how to help Clara Beth deal with it, because I deal with it myself.

Anonymous said...

I went through a similar transition last year (real job with real pay to full time student and a drain on the family finances), and it was very hard. At times I even felt frustrated with DH for being so patient, because I knew I would not be as patient with him if the roles were reversed. I even felt bored and frustrated while I waited for things to really gear up with school. But I learned a lot about myself and our marriage in the process. As we are continually changing and evolving, so are our dreams and goals, and this involves getting to know your spouse more intimately and in different ways throughout your marriage. (I imagine the same would be true with your children.) It sounds so cliché, but the only constant is change. And really, thank goodness, because we would never grow and learn if we stayed the same.

I do not like change myself; I am a detail-oriented planner and like to be in control of the situation. This does not jive so well with military life, but I try to continually look at this as a wonderful opportunity from God to work on these qualities within myself. And I might be a very different, perhaps less fulfilled and happy person, if I had not had this opportunity to do so. Sometimes, in those moments when I am so frightened and frustrated with all the change in our lives, I take comfort in the idea of more change itself. And by this I mean my feelings will change, because they are just feelings really. “This too shall pass,” is the general idea I cling to during those rough times. Also, here is my favorite poem/prayer when I feel overwhelmed; perhaps it will help you through this transition time too. Even though I may not always have as dramatic a feeling as the author is describing, I find it very comforting.

Like a golden beacon signaling on a moonless night,
Tao guides our passage through this transitory realm.
In moments of darkness and pain
remember all is cyclical.
Sit quietly behind; your wooden door:
Spring will come again.
-Loy Ching Yuen

J said...

One point of clarification: I do not expect to get meals made from scratch every night of the week! Six out of seven is fine. :)

Haha, just kidding. Shannon likes to make meals from scratch more than I like to eat them. THAT's how much she likes to cook!

J

Variations On A Theme said...

I don't do transitions well either...at least social transitions. i just want to stay and stay. Olivia is the same way.

And I need to write, too. In high school and college, i truly believe it was what kept me alive. Good for you for listening to those promptings.