TIME

1 a: the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues : duration b: a nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future c: leisure (time for reading)

2: the point or period when something occurs : occasion


I ended the day yesterday extremely frustrated, largely because I felt like I did not make good use of my time. There are 14 definitions of "time" on Merriam Webster's site and I find it very surprising that "leisure" would be a part of the first definition. I didn't end the day frustrated yesterday because I spent too much time in leisure. While I felt like a lot of time was wasted, it wasn't wasted on leisure activities. In fact, I'm not sure leisure would have been a waste of my time. At least leisure is a conscious decision about how to spend my time. And while leisure activities may not yield visible, tangible results, they do yield results in my spirit.

I think the most frustrating part of my time yesterday is found in the second definition shown in the dictionary: the point or period when something occurs. There was a lot of time spent yesterday with nothing occurring. After my absentminded loss of K's acceptance letter, I spent 45 minutes sitting in an office waiting for one piece of paper to sign. It was an important piece of paper and I'm thankful she'll be able to attend LDC next year, but I spent a good chunk of the latter half of my time berating myself for having lost the letter in the first place. I kept reminding myself that if I were a more efficient and conscientious parent, I wouldn't have lost the letter in the first place and wouldn't have had to spend a big chunk of my afternoon driving to Berry Hill and sitting in an office.

Then, K was supposed to dance at a school event. She was asked to arrive at 6:30 to dress in her dance costume and was scheduled to perform around 7:15 or so. K was very clear that she did not want to go. She didn't want me to do her hair in a bun, she didn't want to put on her tights, her leotard, her ballet shoes, her costume. Yet once she was dressed she seemed fine. She was content to play with the other children until it was time to dance. About 10 or 15 minutes before she was to go onstage, I left the dressing room to get a seat where I could watch her. Instead of watching her dance, I got to watch her cling to her teacher and refuse to dance with the other little girls. There are four little girls in K's class and only three were able to be there last night. With K's refusal, that left two kindergartners onstage by themselves. Luckily, they did a wonderful job. I, however, had a raging headache by the end of the song. I was disappointed in K for not fulfilling her commitment, but about an hour passed before I realized that what I was really angry about was that I had wasted the last two hours getting her to this event and dressed and ready for it. It was a horribly selfish reaction and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it in writing.

The reason I am admitting it in writing is I think one thing yesterday showed me is that I am still uncomfortable with spending my time on activities I label as unproductive. While Thursday left me feeling rested and rejuvenated, I wiped all of that away on Friday with my refusal to accept the limitations placed on my time and enjoy the time for what it was. Instead of finding joy in 45 minutes found reading a book while waiting for K's letter, I read and fumed. Instead of finding joy in seeing K dressed like a tiny ballerina and understanding that her four year old mind and body were tired and just didn't want to dance, I resented having to be away from J, A and B and didn't even try to enjoy the event.

I want to learn to value my time, no matter how it is spent. I want to give myself permission to learn things that take time, even though that may make me look unproductive to others or make me feel unproductive in my own mind. I think this is crucial to allowing myself time to create. If I am constantly focused on output, I'll never create anything worth sharing. The most beautiful and inspiring art comes from deep within the artist and those things won't rise to the surface of my mind if I continue to measure time's value by how much I accomplish in any given minute.