1 a : a state of intellectual or emotional balance : poise
Every now and then, I'll think of a word that I want to use as a title for a blog post and be shocked at how accurately the definition describes what I'm experiencing. This is one of those times. I feel like I've been completely lacking equilibrium lately, namely intellectual or emotional balance. And I feel anything but poised.
Yesterday was Saturday, so J and I finally got everything hauled out of the basement, cleaned the items to keep, treated the basement floor and moved stuff back in. We only had two and a half inches of water, so our situation was nothing compared to that of thousands of people in Nashville. But it was still taxing. I told J at one point yesterday that stuff like this makes me feel like I'm not a grown up. I don't know how to treat a basement that's been flooded for mildew and mold. I don't know whether we're keeping things that will eventually turn gross and have to be thrown out (so we've erred on the side of caution and tossed almost everything). I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
I think part of my loss of equilibrium is that it was a crazy week: I was out of town until Tuesday evening and while the girls had no school last week, the system kept us on a day-to-day basis, so I was never able to plan beyond the next day. My poor middle child B, who had such a great week last week, has had a tough week this week. I think the loss of routine was hard for her and she confessed to feeling restless and causing trouble just to entertain herself. I understood, but didn't know quite what to do with that since a large portion of my attention was diverted to taking care of household issues.
As I laid awake in bed in the wee hours of the morning (I don't normally blog at 5 AM), I pondered how much of my feeling of disorientation and being off-kilter is related to a lack of time to create. This is only the second time I've sat down to write in the last week. Two of the last three books I've started have failed to keep my attention. I haven't collaged or journaled or even really read much in the last five days. Apparently, this is not good for my psyche.
So I'll make it through today, praying this morning at church for a return of equilibrium, and hope that tomorrow heralds the return of routine before the freedom of summer. It's been a crazy 2010 so far in Nashville, with seven snow days and five flood days. Here's hoping that summer brings moderate weather, blue skies, happy children and a mom whose far more poised than the one who has lived here this week.