My recovery has not been smooth sailing. It's not been steady or easy or consistent. The first twenty-four hours were predictably rocky, followed by three tough, but not impossible days once I got the post-op nausea under control. But then... then I hit bottom. Days 6 and 7 were honestly some of the most difficult and painful days I've ever experienced. And they caught me by surprise because I thought my recovery would follow some sort of predictable pattern. It hasn't.
This has been difficult not just physically, but emotionally. I don't know how to prepare myself for what the day will hold because I don't know what the day will hold. Circumstances have made this even more challenging. Last Thursday night we got the phone call I had been dreading: the one calling off school for Friday due to an approaching winter storm. I didn't know what to expect. The after school hours were tough for me, in part because I needed to be up and moving around when the girls were home. So what would I feel like after an entire day of the four of us home alone together? I didn't really have to find out because A went to play with a friend mid-morning and J got to come home early from work (huge blessing!), so I had help starting around noon.
Then the weekend arrived and it went pretty well. I spent part of Saturday helping B bake five tiny cakes to take to a birthday party she was attending. I was on my leg a lot and it went OK. I was tired, but not in a ton of pain, by the time we finished. I was feeling pretty good. So I thought I'd be fine to handle a trip to church this morning, followed by a visit from a friend.
Ummm, no. The car ride to church was tough. At this point, there is no comfortable way to sit in a car because my leg can't bend and just hangs there unsupported for the entire time. So a twenty minute car ride left me tired. And then I had to do it again in two hours to get home. I canceled our plans with friends in order to take a much needed nap, which I hoped would improve my mood, decrease my pain level and increase my emotional stability.
All was well until I received a call from the school system... canceling school for tomorrow. I cried. And I felt selfish for crying. I want to be happy that I get more time with my daughters, not fearful of how the day will go, anxious about my pain management and overwhelmed by the thought of ten hours alone with them while J is at work.
Let's be honest: I don't want to feel weak. Even though I am still "lacking strength," I want to be able to do more. I am tired of asking others to help me. I wrote a post for a friend's blog yesterday about perfection not being my goal as a mom. I still believe all of what I wrote yesterday. I'm not asking for perfection. I just want to be able to get myself a glass of water, make lunch for my daughters and be able to function independently again. Please?