HAVEN

3 : a place offering favorable opportunities or conditions (a haven for artists)

I'm not much of a "do-er." I'm not terribly motivated by my to-do list, nor do I get enormous satisfaction from completely a project. I do the things that need to be done, but I live for the less tangible things - a quiet moment with a cup of hot tea, finishing a good book or finding just the right word when I'm writing something. But today I've been "doing" non-stop for about six hours.

Nearly a week ago, I started reading Escaping Into The Open: The Art of Writing True. The first exercise in the book is to fantasize, as explicitly as possible, about what your life would be like as a writer. I had no trouble envisioning myself in a quiet spot upstairs, with my desk overlooking the window and inspiring books on art and women nearby. That spot didn't exist when I fantasized about it, but it does exist now. I spent the last six hours pushing furniture around, lugging items to and from our basement and re-arranging our house to make my vision a reality.

J left mid-morning with B to go run errands and while he was gone I was struck with an almost irresistible urge to start moving furniture around to see if I could create some sort of space like the one I had fantasized about. I put A to work briefly and K came up to see what I was doing. I had planned to try to get it all done before J returned, which I can now say was woefully optimistic. Even with his help, it took me another four hours after he returned home!

When I told J what I was up to, he said, "It's like your pregnant with possibilities and are nesting." It was funny that he described it that way because it's exactly how I felt. I was compelled to not just start this project today, but finish it. Maybe having taken this step will encourage me forward as I try other, more terrifying, steps towards giving birth to a book.

PHOTOGRAPH

:a picture or likeness obtained by the art or process of producing images by the action of radiant energy and especially light on a sensitive surface

I took a bit of time alone today to go to the Frist Center and see a photography exhibit. While I appreciate photography as an art form, I'm not a big fan of the photograph in my everyday life. I have found time and again that seeing photos of an event after the fact ruins my memory of what I experienced. While at the Frist, I started pondering what a photograph tells us about the photographer. We assume we are learning something about the person framed by the lens, not the person framing it, yet the subject has a less active role than the photographer. Is this why I don't like photographs? Because I am rarely the photographer?

I'm rarely behind the camera because leaving the moment and stepping out of it in order to capture the moment is counterintuitive and not how I want to live. So instead of seeing the moment the way I lived and experienced it, with photos, I have to live someone else's experience. This would be fine - or perhaps less damaging to my memories - were the visual record not so powerful as to recast my own memory. It is hard to hold my own lived experience in the frame of my mind when someone else's catalogued image is seen in a photo. When that happens, their experience, in effect, erases my own.

When talking about photographs a few months ago with J, he suggested that since photos ruin my memory of an event, my approach should be to allow others to photograph me when requested, but that I not look at the resultant image(s) so as to not change my experience.

The two photos that have cemented an experience rather than erased it were taken by me. Seeing these two images always takes me back to the moment. I can hear what was being said and remember the sweetness of the original experience. Maybe I like these photos because they were my memories to begin with, not someone else's.

ENCOURAGEMENT

the act of giving hope or promise

I received an e-mail from a friend a few days ago that was meant to - and did - encourage me. This friend had been getting caught up on my blog posts and saw the self-doubt lurking in the words and between the lines. What I liked about her encouragement was that she acknowledged this self-doubt and then gave me a very concrete suggestion to talk to myself like I talk to my daughters. I would never tell them the things I tell myself about being unworthy, unable and undeserving to act on a creative urge.

When I shared with a group of close friends that I had received this encouragement from an unusual source, a friend commented that it was interested for the encouragement to come from someone who is not as close to me as this group of friends or my husband. I immediately replied (without filtering the thought at all) that I wouldn't have accepted the encouragement from any of them. This seemed surprising and perhaps a bit insulting to my friends, but my theory is that they would tell me what they thought I needed to hear because they love me, not because they see potential in my art.

After my minor melt-down for 24 hours on Monday, J did try to encourage me. He does believe in me. But I wonder if he would like my writing if he didn't love me. Is it the writing that he believes in or does he just want me to listen to the voice telling me to write so that I'll be happy? Should that distinction even matter to me?

There are times when I'm too introspective for my own good. I think this might be one of those times...

PRODUCTIVE

1: having the quality or power of producing especially in abundance


I'm not feeling terribly productive today. This is not a good thing, since I've been off of work for a few weeks and there's plenty to do both in planning for the 2009 year and the actual doing for the 2009 year. I wish thoughts were more highly valued than productivity. I'm in the mood on this rainy day to finish reading my book, write in my journal, blog a bit and drink a few cups of hot tea. None of those activities have the quality or power of producing anything. I think part of my desire for introspection rather than action stems from the fact that our holidays were jam-packed with family, travel and fun and low on quiet moments of rest and reflection.

I'm not sure when I'll fit in rest and reflection with grants awaiting completion, preparation for next week's board meeting and prioritizing the other work that needs doing.

This morning, I wrote some before I came to work in the hopes that scratching that itch before coming to the office would free my mind to focus on Rejoice. That's not working terribly well at the moment. But I'll continue plugging away because while my meager salary doesn't provide for my family's basic needs of food, clothing and shelter, it does pay for Kate's child care. Besides, if I don't do this work, I'm not sure who will.

Here's to productivity over introspection!

FANTASY

5: the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need; also : a mental image or a series of mental images (as a daydream) so created

I'm reading a book right now by Elizabeth Berg about "the art of writing true." Each chapter contains practical advice on how to be a writer and how to practice the art of writing. Each chapter also contains homework, which honestly scared me a bit at first! The opening chapter is Berg telling her story and the initial homework assignment is to imagine your life as a writer - where you want to write, what you want to write, why you want to write, etc.

I actually found the exercise of fantasizing about what it would be like to be a writer remarkably easy. I can picture just where I'd like to sit to write, what I would want my days to look like and how I would manage both writing and my responsibilities to my family. But probably the easiest part of the homework assignment was why I want to write. I want to write because I want to make people think. The best thing about any good book is that it makes me think. I really believe that "The unexamined life is not worth living" and books are the mirror I hold up to my life, my heart and my soul to see if I am living as I want to, as I should and as I could.

It's interesting that the definition above relates fantasy to a phsychological need because I definitely feel a need to write. Not because I have any great wisdom to share but because it helps me process my own life and because it releases the words that I feel pressing down on my chest. After getting the words out of me and in to sentences, I experience relief at setting the words free. Now if I can just move from fantasizing to actually living life as a writer, that will be progress, indeed.

PRACTICALITY

3: capable of being put to use or account: useful

At lunch yesterday, I mentioned that I almost minored in Math, due to pressure to at least have a "practical" minor if I was going to major in Art History. A few nights ago, I heard that a family member had decided to give up trying to make a living dancing and was researching other careers. A few weeks ago, a friend said in a disparaging tone that her brother-in-law was only interested in making "art for art's sake." These brief exchanges made me start thinking about the value of practicality.

Practicality is not a trait I am emphasizing in raising my daughters. Independence, creativity, respect, kindness, encouraging others and being who God made them to be - Yes. Practicality - No. At the most basic level this is because I'm not sure practicality and creativity can coexist. You can't really paint, draw, write or sculpt from your core creativity if you are focused on what might sell, what others might want and what is useful.

Right now, A would tell you she wants to be a professional ballet dancer when she grows up. I had a family member say to me, "Well, a lot of eight year old girls want to be dancers. She'll grow out of it." Thankfully, A did not hear any of this exchange. I don't want any of my daughters to "grow out of" their desire to be something unique, even if it means a challenging career path. There is plenty of time for them to decide to be practical. If they love something enough, then working hard or struggling to make ends meet will be worth it. I would much rather see them pursue their dreams and ultimately give up their dream for practical reasons than never attempt to live their dream because it's not practical.

I think practicality is a much more secular than Biblical concept. I can't think of many instances in the Bible where people were discouraged from doing something extraordinary because it wasn't practical. Instead, we see ordinary people do extraordinary things with the gifts God has given them. Who knows how my daughters will use their gifts? They may choose stable, predictable careers that provide reliably, or even abundantly, for themselves and their families. Or they may move from one project to another to use their gifts in varied ways that aren't necessarily fiscally valued by our world. Either way, I hope they walk the path God has for them and don't let practicality drive their decision.

I'll close by admitting that as I wrote this post, it occurred to me that I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I feel such pressure to write a book, yet I lack the courage to try - or even start. I rationalize this fear by reminding myself that there are more practical uses for my time than writing. If I truly want my children to follow where they are led, then I need to do a better job of being an example.

ENVY

1: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage

I've started to experience a new emotion when I read a good book. I have loved reading for as long as I can remember, but only recently have I begun to truly envy the authors of the books I read. Up until a few months ago, I would have said I'd never want to write a book. I would have told you that while I love reading, I just didn't have the desire to write a book of my own. That has now changed dramatically and I positively long to write a book.

There are books that I read by certain authors (Home by Marilynne Robinson, People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks or Thread of Grace by Mary Doria Russell) that I can't even bring myself to envy. Each of these women doesn't just write - it's something bigger and more beautiful than that. But there are others that I read (Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, Nefertiti by Michelle Moran or Book of a Thousand Days by Shannon Hale) that make me think, "Well, I could write that!" And I envy the author for having the seed of an idea needed to start a book, the bravery to start writing and the persistence to keep writing.

I do, as the definition of envy says, "desire to possess the same advantage." I want to have an idea that compels me to pursue it, the time to write for pleasure and the courage to just do it. Because coupled with my envy is a fear. A fear that while I can read any book I want, I am not capable of writing one. That while I can admire and be touched by the creativity of others, I do not have the ability to bless others with my own blend of talents and gifts. Together, the envy and fear leave me crippled. So I limp along reading good or great books and push this desire to write one - or just start writing one - deep down.

Maybe 2009 will bring new emotions as I read - contentment in a good book, thankfulness for the joy it brings or appreciation for the writing, the story and the characters. If the envy remains, I pray God will give me the seed of idea I need to start and the courage to water that seed with words.