OFFERING

1 b : something offered; especially : a sacrifice ceremonially offered as a part of worship

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wanted to dance.  When she turned three, she started asking her mom to sign her up for classes.  The mother (who was neither coordinated, nor musically inclined) thought the girl was cute, but going through a phase.  To pacify her daughter, the mother signed her up for a six week class at the Y, hoping that would quell the desire.  After all, the mother didn't even really like ballet.  The parents were snobby, the dancers all had body-image issues, it was an uncomfortable and foreign world. 

Yet the daughter's desire remained.  The mother found a week long ballet camp, thinking that after five days of dancing for 6 hours each day, that would be that.  The camp confirmed the mother's opinion of the ballet world - stand-offish, intimidating and a bit scary - but it did nothing to dampen the daughter's desire to dance.

The mother relented.  She began looking for a place to enroll her daughter in fall classes.  She looked and looked.  And found nothing that was closer than a thirty minute drive across town.  This didn't seem feasible for a mom with a five year old, a four year old and a newborn.  The mom kept looking, but she was losing hope.

Until one Sunday when the mom wanted coffee on her way to church.  She ran into a coffee shop that wasn't her usual spot.  While waiting for her latte, she saw a brochure for a ballet school in her neighborhood.  She picked it up and called the next day.  Classes started that afternoon.  The daughter started that day and has never looked back.

Thus began our days, nights and weekends at Rejoice School of Ballet. Yesterday A (who begged for dance with a relentlessness that could only have come from her Maker) and K danced in Rejoice's production of Coppelia.  I wish I had the words to tell you what an accomplishment this production was for a non-profit with a small budget.  A non-profit that was created to make dance available even to children whose parents can't afford it.  A place where children on free or reduced lunch learn ballet for a mere $10 monthly.  A ballet school where black and white, middle class, working class and those trapped in poverty dance alongside one another.  A place that has been much more than a dance school for our family.

I wish I had the words to explain how Rejoice has given me an outlet for using business skills as a volunteer, how it has transformed A from a little dancer who looked up to the older girls to one of the older girls known by the little dancers, how it has given K the chance to shine onstage and B the chance to try out both ballet and jazz funk.

I wish I had the words or pictures to show you how the dancer that I saw at the first recital has grown from a girl of twelve to a graduating senior.  I wish I should take you there and show you how she worshiped while dancing at that recital long ago - and how that made me think that dance wasn't all bad, after all.

I wish I could let you into my heart and see it soften and change as I saw and understood dance to be not only a gift from God, but a gift God has given to my daughter, a gift she uses well and uses to bless others.

I wish you could travel back in time to A's first or second recital and see the dancer she was then - and see her dance en pointe today.  I wish you could meet her teachers, who have encouraged excellence and seen that encouragement bear fruit.

I wish I could make a financial offering equal to what we have received in friendship, companionship, encouragement and blessing from Rejoice.

I wish A could take dance there forever.  But she can't.  This semester will be her last.  As her parents, our job is to make sure A doesn't close any doors she might want to walk through later.  She may or may not want to dance in college.  She may or may not want to apprentice with a company.  But I don't want to close those doors to her now.

So we are leaving - with both heavy hearts and great anticipation - a place we love.  Over the last few weeks, I have realized all over again how much I love Rejoice.  I've let the organization, the dancers, the director and their mission into my heart.  The hard part of that?  Leaving.  The blessing in that?  Rejoice has shaped and changed us and will, in many ways, go with us.

May these words be a small offering showing my thankfulness and gratitude for that brochure found one Sunday morning - and for all that Rejoice has become to us since then.

GROWTH

1 c : progressive development : evolution

Growth can look very different from one person to the next.  What comes naturally to me might be huge growth for you - and vice versa.

Last Saturday, A danced her first dance en pointe.  She has been taking ballet for six years and has worked hard to be able to do this.  It was amazing to sit there in the audience and watch my child do something so impressive.  I wasn't the only one impressed.  As other parents stopped me to congratulate us, I couldn't help but think that this was nothing to do with me.  I merely drive her around.  She does all of the hard work at the barre and on the dance floor.  She's the one who has grown from a six year in a lamb costume to a twelve year old looking very much like a woman-to-be.

The next day as we sat in the pew preparing to go take communion, A peered around me.  She was checking to see whether her favorite priest was serving on our side of the church or the other side.  I pointed out that he was on the other side and that she could just get in that line and then circle around the rear of the nave to get back to our pew. 

"That's OK," she whispered back to me, "I'll just take it over here with you guys."

"A," I said gently but insistently, "if your heart wants to take communion from Father D, go over there."

She did and I was so proud of her.  Breaking that little unwritten rule about taking communion on the left when you are seated on the left was huge growth for my rule-following firstborn.  It was growth for her because she listened to the desire of her heart and followed - even though it meant stepping a bit outside of the lines.  For A, this step away from conformity is almost bigger growth than dancing en pointe.  Dance comes naturally to her.  Breaking the rules does not.

Earlier this week, I read a blog post that resulted in a light bulb moment for me.  While I subscribe to the blog that had this post, the last two weeks have been so busy for me that I've been skimming most of Jimmie's posts about writing.  For some reason, I took the time to read this one more slowly.  That was surely God's prompting because as I read her assertion that writing with a formula eases the cognitive load of writing, I saw clearly why my daughter B does not like to write.  B detests formulas.  She wants to do everything her own way, putting her own spin on the tried and true.  Yet she is not a fan of hard work.  B is a quick learner and most things come very easily to her, so she resists having to work hard to acquire something.  So we've been trapped in this cycle where B doesn't want to follow a formula for writing (which would make it easier), but she doesn't want to work hard (and do it her own way).

Yesterday, B needed to write an artist's statement for an art show next week.  I saw my chance and I took it. I sat down with B and had her read the blog post.  Then I told her that this post made me understand why she doesn't like writing.  I pointed out to her that there is one area of her life where she is willing to both follow the rules and work hard: piano.  B has been taking piano for 17 months and she will come home from a lesson with a song that is hard to play.  It might sound rough the first few times she plays it through.  But she persists and within 2 or 3 days, she can play it well.  By the time she goes back for her next lesson a week later, we've all heard her not only play the song, but play it fast, slow and with beats in between.  She uses the formula of the composer first and then she does it her way.

"Could you try this with your writing?" I asked.  "Could you try using the formula on this print out and see if it makes your writing come easier?  After you use the formula a few times, you'll be able to change it like you do with your songs."

Amazingly, she agreed.  She's written two paragraphs so far and they've come easier and been better quality than her writing has been of late.

As you read this, do you see how growth for these two daughters of mine is completely different?  A needs encouragement to listen to her heart and break the rules occasionally.  B knows her own heart and mind so well that she needs to see the value of rules as a way for training us and equipping us.

I love this.  I love seeing them grow and I love that it doesn't look at all the same.  I don't love that the world (and often the church) will tell you that B needs to grow, but that A is on the right track.  Because they both need growth.  A is sometimes easier to parent because she does follow the rules, but she does so without understanding or questioning the rules.  So what happens when she is faced with a system of rules that are not set up to help her, but to harm her?  She must learn to think for herself.  B needs growth as well, but not because she's a rule-questioner.  She needs growth because all people need growth.

Where do you fall on this spectrum?  What safety zone do you stand within that the world might tell you is just the place to be, but that is keeping you from embracing the great freedom available to you if you grow?

It is my hope and prayer that A is not going to turn into an anarchist, nor B a conformist.  I feel certain that it is ballet's structure and rules that make A enjoy it and thrive.  B will be a better musician if she continues to listen with her heart and not just her ears.  I hope they will continue to be who God made them to be - but I believe he made them to be more than just a rule-follower and a rule-breaker.  He made them to be a bit of both - and to learn from each other's way of doing things.

This spring, during a season replete with growth, look for ways to stretch and grow towards freedom.

POINTE

: a ballet position in which the body is balanced on the extreme tip of the toe

My 11 year old daughter A hit a milestone today.  We bought her first pair of pointe shoes.  It was quite the process.  She tried on at least a half-dozen pair before finding the right pair.  She tried Bloch, she tried Capezio.  She couldn't get her foot in the shoe.  Then she could get her foot in and the back was too loose.  A joked that she felt like Cinderella's stepsisters.  The kind ladies helping us pulled a different set of toe pads to allow a slimmer fit.  They patiently pulled pair after pair of shoes.

And then, almost miraculously, she found the right pair.  She put them on.  Her foot slid in, the back pulled up, not too loose, not too tight.  She stood - feet flat on the ground.  The shoes were snug, but her toes weren't overlapping.  After all of that, she went up on them for the first time.  She looked regal.  My eyes teared up a bit.  I imagine what I felt is a foreshadowing of seeing my daughters don their wedding dresses for the first time.  She looked so... right standing there, like it was what she's made to do.  And she positively glowed.

The two ladies who had spent the last half hour gathering shoes raised their eyebrows and looked at each other.  "She has strong feet," one remarked.  "I imagine you're going to be buying her pointe shoes with some regularity, Mom," the other said to me.  Apparently A's strong feet gave them the impression she'll do well on pointe, which translates to wearing shoes out from dancing.  Good for A... not so good for the budget.  Yet it's a price we'll gladly pay to see A pursue what she loves.

I can remember someone being slightly patronizing to A a few years ago about her desire to dance.  He asked what A wanted to be when she grew up and her answer was, "a dancer."  He smiled knowingly and said to me, "Lots of little girls want that when they're six (or seven or whatever she was)."  I recoiled inwardly and thought, "Don't tell her what she can't do!  You have no idea who she'll be."  Being my typical non-confrontational self, I didn't say anything, but the comment and the attitude bother me to this day.

Pointe shoes aren't comfortable.  J and I think this will be the real test of whether A decides to pursue dance.  Is the pain of learning to dance on the extreme tip of her toe worth it?  I don't know whether it will be or not, but I can tell you that J and I will support her, help her soak her feet and drive her to and from rehearsals.

As we drove home from the dancewear store, A and B sat in the back seat talking about high school.  The talk eventually turned to boarding school.  I let them talk for a while until A asked me whether a local performing arts school is a boarding school.  "No, it's not," I replied.  "But let's just get it straight right now that you're not going to a boarding school."  Conversation ensued about why this is my stance.  I offered a few reasons, but eventually said, "The bottom line is that I only get 18 years with you.  After that, you're off on your own to become who God made you to be.  I'm not going to lose out on any of those years.  I happen to like you."  Oddly enough, this ended the conversation.  A and B both accepted this line of reasoning (for now, at least).

If I'm completely honest, my heart is aswirl with emotions tonight.  I'm proud of A that she's going to learn to dance on pointe.  I'm thankful that I got to be there with her to see her don her first pair.  But I'm also a little nostalgic, a little sad.  The little girl who begged me and hassled me about wanting to dance is a real dancer.  I love that, but I kind of miss the little girl.

Getting ready to try the shoes out

This is fun!

Looking regal

Look, Ma! No hands!

SABBATICAL

1often capitalized S : a year of rest for the land observed every seventh year in ancient Judea
2: a leave often with pay granted usually every seventh year (as to a college professor) for rest, travel, or research

I've been on "sabbatical" for a month now. At the end of June, I decided it would be mutually beneficial for Rejoice, my family and me if I took the months of July and August off of work. For Rejoice, it helped stretch tight finances further. For my family, it made the month of July wide open for summer time fun. For me, it eliminated dividing my attention between a job that I love and children that I love even more.

I've spent a good portion of this sabbatical month de-cluttering. I started by clearing a section of our basement to make a rec room for the girls. As they are getting older, I think it's good for them to have a space that is their own. Our small home doesn't have a lot of space, so it required some creativity and a total lack of sentimentality to clear room for a futon, TV and reading area. But it was well worth it. They love playing down there and have already added a dart board (never fear, soft tips), magazines, blankets, books, etc. I've also cleared bookcases, shelves and other areas in every room on the first floor of our home.

Clearly, cleaning is not my favorite thing. If it were, I wouldn't need an entire month to get my house in order. But the beautiful thing is that I had this month to do just that. And it's been good for my soul to get rid of so many things. It has made me feel lighter to be able to straighten up each room and know that everything really does have a place (for now).

I'm trying to be realistic. I know myself. I know my family. It is highly unlikely that we will maintain this leve of organization long-term. I'll get tired. We'll all get lazy. And things will begin to pile up again.

But if nothing else, I've learned it's good for me to take the time to rid our home of excess. Until I looked up the definition of sabbatical, I had no idea it was linked to giving the land a rest in Biblical times or that it was related to sabbath rest (perhaps that shouldn't be surprising if I stopped to think about the word...). That is fitting because my sabbatical has been much more than I thought it would, but I've not spent it doing what I would have guess beforehand.

I've written little during this last month. Instead, I've cleaned and read. I like the idea that a sabbatical is for "rest, travel and research." Perhaps what I needed was to nourish my soul with words and clear out the clutter so that when school starts in two weeks, I feel free to write. Free (and compelled) to write a book proposal for that book I started in May. Free (and compelled) to spend some more time getting to know a character created last spring. Free (and compelled) to see where the journey takes me.

That's the beauty of a simple sabbath or a generous sabbatical. The rest gives you strength for what's to come.

POWERPOINT

:a presentation program developed by Microsoft

I spent most of my time at work on Monday creating a PowerPoint presentation. In my previous life (i.e. before quitting work to stay at home), creating presentations was a large chunk of my job. In fact, other than writing proposals, it was my favorite part of my job. So it was fun to use the newer version of PowerPoint (which has changed since I left the full-time workforce nearly seven years ago) and it was interesting to think about my old job, who I was then and who I am now.

It's pretty evident to me in hindsight why I enjoyed writing proposals. I like to write. Until recently, I would have told you I liked to write "with a purpose." By that I meant that I had something concrete that needed to be communicated in a clear and concise way. Essentially, I liked business writing. I carried that enjoyment with me to the non-profit world and used it to write grants.

But along the way, I found that wasn't enough for me. Saying what my company or my organization needed me to say wasn't satisfying. I wanted to write for myself. My own thoughts, my own ponderings, my own musings. Often for no other reason than to write them. Hence the creation of this blog.

PowerPoint appeals to a similar side of me, I believe. It does require writing, but in a succinct fashion. I like thinking and writing in bullet points. I like finding the right colors and images to complement the text.

I like the discipline that I impose on myself in this blog of choosing one word as the title for each (non-fiction) post. It forces me to find one word that best sums up what I want to say. Sometimes, the word comes to me first. I hear a word and think "I should write about that." Other times, I have something I want to say and I have to decide what one word encapsulates my thoughts.

It's interesting to look back on who I was years ago and realize some of the things I liked reflected gifts I didn't even know I had. I knew I could write reasonably well, but I didn't know I was a writer. I still struggle sometimes to acknowledge that the way I am made is OK. I struggle to reconcile how to humbly acknowledge the unique gifts I have. But it's affirming to see those same gifts woven throughout my life, even when I wasn't aware they were there.

DIRECTION

4: the line or course on which something is moving or is aimed to move or along which something is pointing or facing

A friend of mine recently posted about anxiety. She talked about how her near future is fairly uncertain and out of her hands to control. While she will be happy with any of the potential outcomes, the unknown makes her anxious. I can relate because I wonder what direction I'm headed and what direction I need to be headed.

K starts kindergarten next year, which is very exciting, both because it's a major milestone and because it will free up a lot of my time and nearly all of my current salary, which pays for her childcare. Ever since I started working again, it has been more to satisfy myself than to contribute financially to our family. While I have been able to pay for summer camps and extracurricular activities for the girls with my salary, the money hasn't been the reason I've worked. Still, it's fun to think about the money we could save if I keep working and don't have to pay for child care anymore.

Yet I find myself daydreaming about quitting my job and staying home to write. This is appealing on so many levels. I would have the house all to myself for a long stretch of the day and would be able to spend a great deal of time alone, which is something I crave. But does it make sense to quit my job during a recession? Is there a realistic possibility that I could bring any income in by writing articles, short stories or (big dream here) a novel? Is it the best thing for Rejoice if I resign? I'm just not sure.

Rejoice continues to struggle financially and my salary is a drain on those finances. Yet I do feel God opened the door for me to work at Rejoice and while He has not yet blessed my grant writing efforts there, I know I have helped with some administrative issues and have helped lay a foundation to make the ministry eventually run smoother (if we raise enough money to continue to run the ministry!).

So, I'm contemplating the direction my life will take. I want to approach this with my head, but I also want to listen closely to my heart. This is a great opportunity for me to aim my life in a new direction and I want to be unafraid to use my God-given gifts while still being responsible. I pray I'll abound in knowledge (from my head) and insight (from my heart) as I approach this curve in the road.

PRODUCTIVE

1: having the quality or power of producing especially in abundance


I'm not feeling terribly productive today. This is not a good thing, since I've been off of work for a few weeks and there's plenty to do both in planning for the 2009 year and the actual doing for the 2009 year. I wish thoughts were more highly valued than productivity. I'm in the mood on this rainy day to finish reading my book, write in my journal, blog a bit and drink a few cups of hot tea. None of those activities have the quality or power of producing anything. I think part of my desire for introspection rather than action stems from the fact that our holidays were jam-packed with family, travel and fun and low on quiet moments of rest and reflection.

I'm not sure when I'll fit in rest and reflection with grants awaiting completion, preparation for next week's board meeting and prioritizing the other work that needs doing.

This morning, I wrote some before I came to work in the hopes that scratching that itch before coming to the office would free my mind to focus on Rejoice. That's not working terribly well at the moment. But I'll continue plugging away because while my meager salary doesn't provide for my family's basic needs of food, clothing and shelter, it does pay for Kate's child care. Besides, if I don't do this work, I'm not sure who will.

Here's to productivity over introspection!

BALANCE

6 a: an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements
9: mental and emotional steadiness

I think every mother (and probably every parent) struggles at some point with balance. Am I working too much? Am I not working enough? Am I too hard on my children or too lenient with them? Am I alternately selfish and selfless and therefore never able to feel good about my choices?

While there are many areas of my life that demand that I balance competing needs, overall my life right now is fairly balanced. I enjoy my work and find it fulfilling. I believe God led me to this job and I can see that I am helping the ministry (not always in the ways I imagined helping, but in the way God wants me to help). I work part-time three days each week, leaving me four days for my family. While I can't always accomplish everything in three work days or four home days, it feels like a good balance for our family right now.

I stayed home full time for about three years. At that point, it was necessary for the sanity of our family. J was working a job with crazy hours and lots of travel and A & B were both young. There were things I liked about being at home with them, but mainly I remember a longing to have an outlet for myself. I love my daughters very much, but I think I have gifts God means for me to use and being at home full-time didn't allow me to use these gifts in a satisfying way.

When the opportunity to work again arose, it felt like the right timing and the right job. And when I left that particular part-time job for the one I have now at Rejoice, that felt right, too. I was never at-home in the for-profit world. I was well-compensated during my time in the workforce (startlingly so, when I come across old paychecks), but it never fulfilled me like my non-profit work does. I'm not much of a gardener when it comes to flowers or vegetables, but I see the seeds I am planting at Rejoice, not only in the ministry itself, but in the dancers and their families. Many of these seeds won't bear fruit any time soon and, like any farmer, I have to rely on God to water and feed the seeds. But seeing those seeds go into the ground is satisfying and it gives me hope that I can do another, much harder, job well... being a mother.

I hope that my work outside the home plants seeds in my daughters just like my time with them does. I hope that they see me use my gifts and talents to serve others and that they confidently take advantage of opportunities they are given to use their own gifts and talents. We've talked in our family about the gifts God gives you being used up for him. I've told A & B that when they get to heaven, God doesn't want the box with their gifts in it to still be full. He wants them to open up the box and pour those gifts out on those around them. Because when we do that, the box really doesn't ever completely empty. The beauty of using a gift you've been given for others is that is doesn't deplete the gift.

There are days when I feel stretched thin and wonder if there are any gifts left in my box, but mostly I feel like my life is pleasantly integrated, harmonious and balanced.

PEACE

1: a state of tranquillity or quiet
2: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

I wrote a few weeks ago about the financial challenges facing Rejoice Ministries, where I work. I talked then about the need to put my trust in God to provide for us when we couldn't see how He would do it. While the first few weeks after that were challenging for me and filled with self-doubt, self-recriminations and some anxiety, in the intervening weeks God has given me an amazing peace about my work at Rejoice.

A few weeks ago, our pastor referenced the verse in Philippians that says that God will give us a peace that passes understanding. I whispered to my husband that God had truly done that for me with Rejoice and he replied, "Yes, you are calmer about it than I am." When I say peace, I don't mean "a state of tranquility or quiet," the first definition for peace in Merriam Webster. Tranquility and quiet are hard to come by in a home with three children ages 8, 7 and 4. Even when we have moments of quiet while they are all reading or playing, I am rarely what I would describe as tranquil because there is always something that needs to be done.

What God has given me during this time of walking in faith is "freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions." I continue to work diligently for Rejoice. I continue to believe in what we do to plant God's seeds in the lives of the children who dance here. But I don't berate mentally myself for each grant rejection letter we receive. I don't question my very worth when I hear a grant was not awarded to us.

As I wrote a few days ago, one of my take-aways from Ruth this week is that we, like Boaz, should be living to lift of the name of the deceased. I could not be peaceful about my work were it not for the sacrifice Christ made to be cut off from the land of the living. Without His work on the cross, my worth would be found in my work, my home, my children. Instead, my worth is found in Him and nothing I encounter on this earth can change that.

At a busy time of the year, I am eternally grateful to be experiencing God's peace in a meaningful and lasting way. I took this job because I thought it would stretch me, both in my skills and my faith. That has been more true than I ever imagined and I can't wait to see God slowly reveal more of His plans for me and for Rejoice.

DIRECTION

4: the line or course on which something is moving or is aimed to move or along which something is pointing or facing
6 a: a channel or direct course of thought or action b: tendency , trend c: a guiding, governing, or motivating purpose

RUTH 2:17-23

I have been doing inductive Bible studies for three years and it has been a pathway for spiritual growth. I've not only learned a lot about God, but about myself as well. I didn't realize how important words were to me until I started spending a good deal of time studying God's Word.

As a part of inductive Bible study, I usually start pretty early in the week by looking up the Hebrew for the text we are studying and seeing what words stand out to me. For the first time that I can recall, this technique failed me this week.

The passage did contain some interesting words, but for the most part I had explored those words earlier in the book of Ruth. Normally, a good word leads me to other verses with the same word. That obviously didn't work this week, since I didn't have a word to use as my diving board into the passage. After failing to find a good word or a good cross reference, I finally happened upon an expositional sermon that examined the passage verse by verse.

In that sermon, the author pointed out that Ruth abides in Boaz's field for the entire barley harvest. Ruth didn't hop around from field to field looking for the best circumstances. When God led her to a field where the owner protected her, fed her and provided abundantly for her, she stayed put. Now, it may seem obvious that the thing to do when handed all of these blessings is to stay put. But how often in your own life do you receive a blessing, only to look for the next one? How often do you put in a hard day's work and just keep on working without seeking lasting reward? The gleaning Ruth was doing wasn't easy work. She spent all day bending over, picking up grain from the ground and then beating the grain to get the edible portion. She did this because it was the way God provided for her.

My picture to illustrate the lesson I learned from this week's passage was a series of traffic signs: A Yield Sign, A Stop Sign and A Traffic Light. I wrote below each that we are to yield to God's will, stop where he sends us and go full out at the work he places before us. I'm not sure which of these is hardest. Sometimes it feels pretty easy to yield to God's will. I believe I am currently in my job at Rejoice because I followed God's traffic signs to it. That part wasn't really all that hard. I love Rejoice. I believe God is using it to do great things in the lives of the children who dance there, including my own daughters. I believe God has a plan for this ministry and that he wants to see us dance before him with joy as these students do. I have seen that Rejoice is God's ministry, so it was easy to yield to God's direction to work there.

Right now, what's hard is stopping where God has me and staying there. I feel responsible for our budget shortfall. As Development Manager, I believe I should have been able to somehow prevent this. I should have found more time, more energy and better words to solicit funds for us. One of my first reactions upon hearing about our financial situation was that perhaps I should resign. My salary, small though it is, does have an impact on our budget. It might be better for the ministry as a whole if I were to just go to another "field" instead of stopping where God has me and continuing to go full out at my work.

I think this doubt about God's direction for my life stems from a lack of belief on my part. Specifically, a lack of belief that God can and will use me to do his work. I have for so long believed that I am incapable of producing worthy work that when faced with a challenge like this, I instantly begin self-recriminations regarding my worth, my skills and ultimately, my value. Interestingly enough, I've taken some solace and instruction from a song that my daughters danced to at Rejoice this summer. It says in part, "If you are who you say you are, then I am who you say." If I am going to believe that God is who he says he is, then I must also believe that I am who he says I am... and right now that includes Development Manager at Rejoice.

PROVISION

1 a: the act or process of providing b: the fact or state of being prepared beforehand c: a measure taken beforehand to deal with a need or contingency : preparation (made provision for replacements)
2: a stock of needed materials or supplies ; especially : a stock of food —usually used in plural
3: proviso , stipulation


Work is a little stressful right now. I found out nearly a week ago that after payroll is paid tomorrow, Rejoice won't have enough in the bank to pay next month's payroll. While I'm not the executive director, I am the Development Manager, so fundraising is my job. I started in May and have been writing grants since the moment I joined. I've not focused exclusively on grants, but I knew we didn't have any grant awards in the pipeline and felt it would be wise to work towards having something coming in down the road. I had no idea (until last Thursday), just how close we were to running out of money.


I am more stressed by this than our Executive Director. This is not, by any means, the first time Rejoice has been in a situation like this. Before we received a large grant two years ago, this was a common occurrence. She has seen God provide before and believes he will again. While I don't disagree with that, I'll admit I'm somewhat scared by it. I'm not used to depending on God for day to day provision.


I certainly trust him to provide safety for my family, an income through my husband's job and wisdom for J and I to use our resources to the best of our abilities. But those things seem amorphous compared to needing and expecting God to provide $20,000 before the end of this year.


So what's my role in this? To pray, certainly. But also to continue to write - grants, letters, descriptions of Rejoice - that compel others to know more about us and give money to us. I think this will only work if I'm using God's words instead of my own. The most amazing thing about Rejoice is that it's God's vision. He planted the seed in the director's heart and has instructed her all along, right down to the color of leotards the students wear.


One thing I've always loved about Rejoice is that I think it is uniquely designed to teach the dancers how much God loves them. He values them highly (which is why they wear leotards named after various jewels and precious stones), he wants the best for them (which is why they dance in a beautiful studio, not a second rate facility) and he wants them to know and worship him (which is why they dance!) Maybe my role is to remember all of what God is trying to teach these children, so that I don't forget who he is. If that's my foundation, earthly provisions will take on less importance.