1 : something that fits badly
2 : a person who is poorly adapted to a situation or environment (social misfits)
For most of my life, I've felt like a misfit. Depending on the season I'm in, my confidence level or just the day of the week, I am sometimes more OK with this than others. One reason I include the definitions of words in my posts is that it's sometimes surprising what is or is not included in a definition. I find it interesting that the definition of misfit places the burden of not fitting in on the misfit. According to Merriam Webster, I'm a misfit because I am poorly adapted. I'm pretty sure I don't agree with that, but it does raise the question of who determines whether someone is a misfit for not. Is it based on internal perception or external? I don't know whether other's would describe me as a misfit, but it's how I see myself. Who's right?
As I was part way through writing this post, two different phone calls came through - both of which caused me to refer to this post. During the first, I was talking with a friend about an experience she recently had where she felt an acquaintance/friend did not understand her at all. My slightly different take on it was that the other woman did understand, but was too insecure and defensive to respond in kind. I told her that I was writing about "misfit" and that the older I get, the more I am aware of how other people express their insecurities. It's often in a way that might lead you to another conclusion initially. For example, I think most people who are very critical have deep-seated insecurities. Being critical of others allows them to talk about someone else instead of being authentic and geniune and talking about their own thoughts, feelings, hopes or dreams.
On the second phone call, I was talking with a friend about an upcoming women's retreat and my desire to skip a session on connecting with other women in favor of more time in solitude. She said, "Well, the point of the sessions is to connect and you're already very connected, so it's fine for you to skip it." I may look connected, but I'm not sure I always feel that way.
I was thinking not long ago that ever since A was born, I've longed for friends whose children are the same age or a tad older. I don't know what I'm doing as a mom and I'd love some friendly guidance instead of making my way blindly along! Yet A is now 9 years old and I've yet to really find that. I have dear friends at church, but while most of them are about my age, their children are younger. It's not like I have a lot of wisdom to share with them - most of them are better moms than I am! I definitely enjoy their company, but I do sometimes long for someone to tell me how she handled it when her pre-teen daughter started using a tone of voice that verged on disrespectful or how she diffused her daughters' verbal disagreements while allow them to express themselves.
The logical place to seek friends like this might be my daughters' school, but I'll admit that I sometimes feel like I'm not cool enough to live in East Nashville. Don't get me wrong - I love it here and really can't bear the thought of living in a suburb. But the moms at my daughters' school seem so connected to each other that I am hesitant to try to insert myself and don't really know how to go about that anyway. A & B were in 2nd and 1st grade when we moved them to their current school, so there was an entire network of relationships already in place when we arrived on the scene. While they have each found a group of friends, I think it's been a harder transition for me.
While I'm making the case here for why I feel like a misfit, I should also admit that there are times when I'm not sure that it's a bad thing to be a misfit. I want connection and relationship, but I don't want it at the expense of being me. I don't want to conform to someone else's notion of who I should be nor do I want to push my vision for who I want to be onto someone else. B's art teacher told me a few months ago that B lamented aloud in art class, "There's no one like me. Sometimes I feel so weird." Her teacher replied (to the entire class),"That's a great thing! I feel that way, too! Why would you want to be like everyone else?" I can empathize with B and her teacher. I do feel weird sometimes, but why would I want to be like everyone else?
2 : a person who is poorly adapted to a situation or environment (social misfits)
For most of my life, I've felt like a misfit. Depending on the season I'm in, my confidence level or just the day of the week, I am sometimes more OK with this than others. One reason I include the definitions of words in my posts is that it's sometimes surprising what is or is not included in a definition. I find it interesting that the definition of misfit places the burden of not fitting in on the misfit. According to Merriam Webster, I'm a misfit because I am poorly adapted. I'm pretty sure I don't agree with that, but it does raise the question of who determines whether someone is a misfit for not. Is it based on internal perception or external? I don't know whether other's would describe me as a misfit, but it's how I see myself. Who's right?
As I was part way through writing this post, two different phone calls came through - both of which caused me to refer to this post. During the first, I was talking with a friend about an experience she recently had where she felt an acquaintance/friend did not understand her at all. My slightly different take on it was that the other woman did understand, but was too insecure and defensive to respond in kind. I told her that I was writing about "misfit" and that the older I get, the more I am aware of how other people express their insecurities. It's often in a way that might lead you to another conclusion initially. For example, I think most people who are very critical have deep-seated insecurities. Being critical of others allows them to talk about someone else instead of being authentic and geniune and talking about their own thoughts, feelings, hopes or dreams.
On the second phone call, I was talking with a friend about an upcoming women's retreat and my desire to skip a session on connecting with other women in favor of more time in solitude. She said, "Well, the point of the sessions is to connect and you're already very connected, so it's fine for you to skip it." I may look connected, but I'm not sure I always feel that way.
I was thinking not long ago that ever since A was born, I've longed for friends whose children are the same age or a tad older. I don't know what I'm doing as a mom and I'd love some friendly guidance instead of making my way blindly along! Yet A is now 9 years old and I've yet to really find that. I have dear friends at church, but while most of them are about my age, their children are younger. It's not like I have a lot of wisdom to share with them - most of them are better moms than I am! I definitely enjoy their company, but I do sometimes long for someone to tell me how she handled it when her pre-teen daughter started using a tone of voice that verged on disrespectful or how she diffused her daughters' verbal disagreements while allow them to express themselves.
The logical place to seek friends like this might be my daughters' school, but I'll admit that I sometimes feel like I'm not cool enough to live in East Nashville. Don't get me wrong - I love it here and really can't bear the thought of living in a suburb. But the moms at my daughters' school seem so connected to each other that I am hesitant to try to insert myself and don't really know how to go about that anyway. A & B were in 2nd and 1st grade when we moved them to their current school, so there was an entire network of relationships already in place when we arrived on the scene. While they have each found a group of friends, I think it's been a harder transition for me.
While I'm making the case here for why I feel like a misfit, I should also admit that there are times when I'm not sure that it's a bad thing to be a misfit. I want connection and relationship, but I don't want it at the expense of being me. I don't want to conform to someone else's notion of who I should be nor do I want to push my vision for who I want to be onto someone else. B's art teacher told me a few months ago that B lamented aloud in art class, "There's no one like me. Sometimes I feel so weird." Her teacher replied (to the entire class),"That's a great thing! I feel that way, too! Why would you want to be like everyone else?" I can empathize with B and her teacher. I do feel weird sometimes, but why would I want to be like everyone else?
1 comment:
I could have written this. And sometimes I feel like a snob, because I very plainly tell people that I'm not from East Nashville, I'm from "Inglewood." I don't want to be that cool. Yet I have friends who are that cool. I just try not to hold it against them. :)
Just the other day (was it Wednesday?) Sarah B. and I were the only ones left on the front lawn with our kids. I let all my crazy hang out. I feel so insecure at times about people not liking me at that school. I imagine I get on their nerves and they've heard horrible things about me and they just tolerate me.
You always seemed so well put together and emotionally healthy. It does my heart good (in a terribly selfish way) to know that you, too, consider yourself a misfit.
Let's seek each other out next time we're at school!
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