BALANCE

6 a: an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements
9: mental and emotional steadiness

I think every mother (and probably every parent) struggles at some point with balance. Am I working too much? Am I not working enough? Am I too hard on my children or too lenient with them? Am I alternately selfish and selfless and therefore never able to feel good about my choices?

While there are many areas of my life that demand that I balance competing needs, overall my life right now is fairly balanced. I enjoy my work and find it fulfilling. I believe God led me to this job and I can see that I am helping the ministry (not always in the ways I imagined helping, but in the way God wants me to help). I work part-time three days each week, leaving me four days for my family. While I can't always accomplish everything in three work days or four home days, it feels like a good balance for our family right now.

I stayed home full time for about three years. At that point, it was necessary for the sanity of our family. J was working a job with crazy hours and lots of travel and A & B were both young. There were things I liked about being at home with them, but mainly I remember a longing to have an outlet for myself. I love my daughters very much, but I think I have gifts God means for me to use and being at home full-time didn't allow me to use these gifts in a satisfying way.

When the opportunity to work again arose, it felt like the right timing and the right job. And when I left that particular part-time job for the one I have now at Rejoice, that felt right, too. I was never at-home in the for-profit world. I was well-compensated during my time in the workforce (startlingly so, when I come across old paychecks), but it never fulfilled me like my non-profit work does. I'm not much of a gardener when it comes to flowers or vegetables, but I see the seeds I am planting at Rejoice, not only in the ministry itself, but in the dancers and their families. Many of these seeds won't bear fruit any time soon and, like any farmer, I have to rely on God to water and feed the seeds. But seeing those seeds go into the ground is satisfying and it gives me hope that I can do another, much harder, job well... being a mother.

I hope that my work outside the home plants seeds in my daughters just like my time with them does. I hope that they see me use my gifts and talents to serve others and that they confidently take advantage of opportunities they are given to use their own gifts and talents. We've talked in our family about the gifts God gives you being used up for him. I've told A & B that when they get to heaven, God doesn't want the box with their gifts in it to still be full. He wants them to open up the box and pour those gifts out on those around them. Because when we do that, the box really doesn't ever completely empty. The beauty of using a gift you've been given for others is that is doesn't deplete the gift.

There are days when I feel stretched thin and wonder if there are any gifts left in my box, but mostly I feel like my life is pleasantly integrated, harmonious and balanced.