GIVE

1 : to make a present of

About this time last year, I read a blog post about what was - to me, at least - a radical idea: choosing to give to others instead of my family at Christmas.  Giving to those who really need it - not to my white, middle class children, who have everything they need and most of what they want.  It was challenging to me - this idea of doing Christmas differently.  But I'll confess two things that made me interested: 1) I'm not much into Things anyway and 2) a great big part of me really wants to be a radical - deep in my heart, I'm not much of a rule-follower.

J and I talked it over.  I wanted to know what he thought.  He's the more grounded of the two of us.  I get caught up in ideas with little thought of how to actually execute on them.  Our daughters have had more than a decade of receiving gifts at Christmas - how might they react?  Our culture tells them to want, want, want - could we buck that trend?  Was I crazy to even suggest we try?

After many discussion with me trying to temper my enthusiasm and J trying to meet me halfway, we came up with an idea.  I can't remember now whether it was his idea or mine, but we decided a year ago to try something different this Christmas.  Instead of buying gifts for our daughters, we would give them money each week of Advent for them to give away.  They've had some experience with giving, thanks to J's willingness to let the girls spend the tithe of his annual bonus.  And they'll still get some gifts: they have chosen gifts for each other and will get a stocking and a gift from Santa (in addition to gifts to and from grandparents).  But the gifts from us?  That money will go elsewhere.

Advent weeks 1 and 2 ended up being lumped together for giving.  Despite my best intentions, I didn't make time to sit down with our girls the first week of Advent for their giving.  So we recently went through some catalogs and talked through their giving options.  K loved the idea of giving rabbits or chicks to someone via Heifer International, an organization my dear aunt introduced us to.  B initially said she wanted to give her money to our church.  I reminded her that we tithe there anyway, but after hearing last Sunday about a fourth quarter budget shortfall, she wants to give all of her Advent money there.  (I feel I should note how surprising it is to both J and I that B wants to give money to our church.  She complains about going nearly every Sunday - not because it's not a fabulous place, but because she would rather spend her time in other ways.  I'm encouraged that something good must be happening to her heart while there if she's choosing to give them her gift.) A is still on the fence: give money to her ballet school (which serves inner city youth) or her church?

You might be wondering what my girls' reactions were to the news they would give instead of getting this year.  I told A and B together.  A was pretty immediately agreeable to the idea.  She loves gift-giving, but I think she's a bit like me and doesn't thrill to gift-getting.  B was not happy.  She's 10.  She likes electronics.  She likes predictability and tradition - this was radically new.  She let me know exactly how she felt.  K was excited when I first explained it to her.  Then she listened more carefully and realized this was going to cut into her gifts.  Her excitement diminished considerably.  Interestingly enough, B was there when K realized what this meant and got upset.  B chose to be the peacemaker and started reminded K of the good things about doing Christmas this way.

My own reaction has been as varied as that of my daughters.  I really want this to work.  I have been amazed at how freeing it has been to not spend hours planning for gifts and shopping for gifts.  It's like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.  Yet I am, by nature, someone who avoids conflict.  And I fear my daughters' disappointment on Christmas morning.  Will they feel shortchanged?  Is it possible to raise children who don't feel entitled to things when the culture screams at them that they deserve to fulfill their every wish and whim?  How will I feel if they're sad?

I've also been surprised to find I feel like we're not giving enough.  We've always had fairly modest Christmases around here.  We don't spend thousands on gifts.  So the money we've designated for them to give each week isn't a huge amount.  It's left me wondering whether I could do something different to give them more to give.  But yesterday as I was checking out of the grocery store, I realized something: our Advent giving isn't the only way we're giving this season.  We hosted a party for 60 ten days ago and next week we'll host a cookie decorating party.  Those parties?  They cost money.  I've never thought of them as ministry because they bring so much joy to our family.  But a friend who attended my birthday party commented that my children weren't territorial about having two dozen extra children in their space.  They shared their rooms, their toys, their friends.  And that's giving, isn't it?

I've been thinking these last few days about wanting to see more fully.  This can be a scary thing to pray for - seen things can't been unseen.  We're stuck with knowing how far this world is from God's kingdom.  But when we really see, we also get a glimpse of the ways God is at work that we missed before.  I've never realized that hosting a party is a gift to others, but it's no coincidence that we open our home to others more at this time of year than any other time.  We've been giving of ourselves all along.

I've been hesitant to write about our plans for Christmas giving.  I don't want you to read this and think we're super-spiritual or on the fast track to heaven.  I don't think people are wrong to celebrate Christmas by giving gifts.  I just want to see whether I can foster something different, unique and radical in the hearts of my children.  I want to see whether I can remove some of the stress of Christmas by putting our focus elsewhere.  Because that would be a gift to all of us.

GRACE

2 d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency

Thus far, Advent has not gone exactly as I imagined.

I've been planning for this season since July.  Back then, I talked A and B into doing math a few times each week so that we could suspend our regular studies in favor of Advent studies and activities for the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  No science, no history, no grammar - just baking cookies, studying the people and symbols of the season and doing things for others.  They (grudgingly) agreed and to my delight and relief we're nearly halfway through our math textbook with nearly five months still ahead of us to finish it.  We're still doing a bit of math each day, but we've cut back our textbook lessons to two per week and are doing a lesson or two on Khan Academy to keep skills fresh.  In addition to a bit of math each day, we're trying to Think, Read and Do something related to Advent.

What this means varies by day.  Yesterday, we talked about the difference between saints and Saints.  We discussed icons and looked at some examples.  We found that the saint could be framed by several different things: scenes from the saint's life were the most common, but other images show the saint surrounded by prophets or by images from sermons preached.  Then the girls were to create their own icon-inspired image.  Which they did... but not until today.  This was partly their fault - they knew the assignment and did not do it.  But it was also my fault.  I didn't follow up or follow through, so it slipped until today.

Quite frankly, this is largely because I am tired and my entire family is tired.  I opted for a long trip to the library yesterday instead of more time at the table.  This afternoon brought a trip to the Adventure Science Center instead of more school work.  These things weren't scheduled, but they were what we needed.  This week is crunch time for Nutcracker rehearsals.  Over the course of an 8 day period, A rehearses or performs for 7 of those 8 days.  The one extra evening was occupied by B's choir concert.  We're on day 5 with opening night tomorrow.  I think we're going to make it.  But only because I've left piles of laundry for a day when I can manage it.  Only because I've scrapped some of my Advent ideas in favor of reading books.  Only because I've given myself grace to let go of my grand plans for Advent and let the season unfold with a mixture of planning and mystery.

Tomorrow is a school day, but the girls in this house are taking a mental health day.  K is staying home from school.  A and B's Advent plan for the day can wait.  Instead, we'll sleep in, make pancakes for breakfast, watch Christmas movies, read Christmas books, and rest.  If Advent is about waiting and listening, then I think it's important to listen to what's going on with my children.  Tempers have been flaring and my girls are exhausted.  I can insist we push through and take advantage of all this season has to offer.  Or I can let my own grand plans slip through my fingers like sand from the beach.  That sounds a lot more like a grace-filled Advent to me.

PLANNING

: the act or process of making or carrying out plans


I love planning.  It makes me feel motivated, accountable and ready.  In fact, I probably enjoy the act of planning even more than executing the plan.  That's not necessarily a good trait to have, but that's the truth of who I am.

When I started homeschooling sixteen months ago, I eschewed written plans.  I did this partly because I wanted to keep my inner perfectionist at bay and partly because I know that I have a tendency to love a plan and lose sight of the bigger picture in pursuit of sticking to the plan.  I also thought A needed to loosen up a bit and that more freedom in schooling would be good for both of us.  This lasted for approximately three months of our homeschool experience. 

This time last year, A and I tried our first unit study.  We spent the month of November studying Thanksgiving in more depth, both as a way to prepare our hearts for the holiday and to shake up our schedule a bit - taking a break from our regular history and science to do the unit study.  A loved doing a unit study, so we decided to do one for Advent as well.  The catch?  I couldn't find a unit study that I liked.  I found two that were candidates - one had great hands on activities, the other was a fairly comprehensive look at Christmas symbols - but neither one was challenging enough or detailed enough to fulfill our academics for the entire month.  My solution?  I combined the two studies and created an Excel spreadsheet with each day's plan.  A loved it.  Not just the study - the plan.

When January arrived and I attempted to go back to our original method of deciding together what subject to do next, A asked for a written plan again.  After some thought and honest assessment, I realized using a plan was working. If A did better with a plan in place, it didn't make sense for me to not use a written plan just for the sake of "freedom."  After all, freedom is much more about knowing when to say yes and when to say no.  Saying no to something that worked wasn't freedom - it was being a slave to what I thought we needed.

I've refined our plan and its look a few times, but the basics are the same.  One spreadsheet contains all of A's (and now B's) work for the week.  They can see at a glance which days have heavier loads and which days allow time for field trips, time with friends, etc.

Like last year, I'm creating a different type of plan for Advent.  We'll still do math, although a lighter load - interspersing our Saxon lessons with Khan Academy practice.  Once math is out of the way, we'll Think, Read and Do.  We'll Think about either a church saint or an aspect of Advent each day.  We'll Read about our topic - mainly via books, but with some online help for certain topics.  Finally, we'll Do something to tie together what we've learned.  I'm excited about all of this, but I'm most excited about Doing.

As I said above, I love planning.  I'll gladly spend time researching several options, selecting the best books to read and diving into ideas.  It's the doing where I fall down.  I lose energy partway through the execution of a plan.  This is (I think) partly the result of being a Nine.  I love plans because they help me see underlying connections.  I love reading about Saint Lucia and connecting her name to the Latin word for light, then coming up with an activity to help us think about the importance of light not just during Advent, but throughout our journey of faith. 

But the doing?  I find it difficult.  I can get lost in ideas and forget to actually do these great things I envision.

The beauty of my Advent plan for this year is that it will hold me accountable.  Writing down that we will have Saint Lucia bread on December 13th means two very disappointed girls if I don't deliver.  (That's one good thing about having an Eight as a daughter - she will push me to Do and not just plan.)

Let me be clear that I don't expect all of this planning and even accountability to change who I am.  If I'm going to bake cookies several times weekly, run deliveries to different friends and oversee the creation of dozens of Christmas gifts, I'm going to require some down time.  I'm going to have to feed my soul if I want to help my children see Christmas as more than a time to receive.  How?  Partly by keeping it simple.  Instead of trying to make a gingerbread house, Christmas cards and homemade marshmallows in the same day, we'll do that on three different days. That's the beauty of Think, Read and Do.  Pretty simple.  The less our plan outlines specifically for the day, the more freedom we have to keep Reading, go on Thinking or Do something else.

I'm also going to try something that worked during Lent: I'm going to adopt a spiritual practice of creating every day.  This time around, it might not be collage.  I've spent less time blogging in recent weeks, so maybe part of my spiritual practice will be to journal - here or in my Advent Journal.  I just know it fills my emotional tank to have space in my day for quiet creating.  So no matter what the plan says, I'll do that to take care of my soul. 

What will you do?  For Advent?  For your soul care?  For celebrating?  If you'd like to know details of our Advent plan, I'll be posting weekly on my other blog about Advent activities you can do with your children.  And since we can't be fully present for our children without taking care of ourselves, I'll include some suggestions for that as well.

Here's hoping all of this planning leads me to one place: the cross by way of the manger.

BONUS

: something in addition to what is expected or strictly due

I Love You art by K, age 5

When J received his annual bonus a few weeks ago, we decided to try something new.  We've typically seen the receipt of a lump sum as a way to give to organizations that don't normally receive our tithes.  J and I have enjoyed brainstorming together about who to give to and how we can bless them, so we decided this year to let the girls in on the action.  They were each given a sum to donate to an organization of their choice.

Their immediate reactions were a bit surprising.  They all knew exactly where they wanted the money to go.  K wanted to give some to the homeless and some to an orphanage (they'd recently watched Annie).  B wanted to give to Soles 4 Souls and a homeless shelter.  A wanted to give to Rejoice, where she dances.

A had an opportunity to donate her money fairly quickly through a dance marathon event, but it has taken awhile to get around to giving to B and K's causes.  This actually worked out well, since K said to me not long ago, "Mommy?  Have you given my money away?  Because I thought the people in Japan might need it."  I told her that was a great idea and that we could talk about it some more.

B had also had a slight change of heart.  Her school is holding a Jump Rope for Heart event and she had asked if she could give her money as part of that.  While I initially agreed, as I thought more about it, I wondered whether her motivation was curing heart disease or earning prizes...

Today, I was taking care of some of my final dispensation of bonus gifts and decided to see if I could take care of B and K's giving online as well.  I started by talking with B about her giving.  I told her I'd been thinking about Jump Rope for Heart and that while it was still OK for her to give to that, I wanted her to think about whether she was being motivated by the cause or the prize, since the point was to give, not get.  Of all my children, B has the strongest conscience.  It didn't take her long to conclude she was, in fact, more motivated by the prizes.  After some discussion, she ended up splitting her gift and giving equal amounts to Soles 4 Souls, CUREkids and our church.  When J asked why she wanted to give money to our church, she said, "It's my church," like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Then came the task of getting K to make a decision.  She started by asking me whether the people in Japan or the homeless people needed the money more.  How do you answer a question like that?  It kind of broke my heart.  I tried to explain that Japan's needs were more urgent than the needs of the homeless, but that their needs were still very real and present.  She asked to see pictures of what happened in Japan after the soo-man-ee (as she calls the tsunami).  So we looked at pictures.  Lots of pictures.  We talked about what we saw in the pictures and K asked me, "Are you getting sad?"  She was right.  It was hard to look at the widespread devastation in picture after picture and not get sad.  But we still needed a decision.  Where to give the money?  As I was about to split her gift between an organization that supports the homeless and Japanese relief efforts, she decided it should all go to Japan.  I clicked away before she could change her mind again and assured her that was a good choice.

I've been encouraged by my girls' reactions to this experiment because I want to try something new this Christmas and let them give gifts to others instead of receiving gifts from J and I.  I thought by giving them a taste of what it can be like to give, they would be more agreeable to the idea of changing the way we celebrate Christmas.  But even as I'm encouraged by K's concern for the people of Japan, A's love for the kids she dances alongside and B's desire to help others, I'm stunned that the same children who can care about others can turn around and be mean to each other.

My children fight far more than I'd like.  They bicker over who's going to sit where, snap at each other if they have to repeat themselves and generally act as if their sisters are put on earth for their personal torture.  So these same loving girls can be real pains, too.  In times when the din is high and my spirits are low, I try to remember that siblings are meant to help us understand conflict resolution.  All of these little squabbles and spats will hopefully turn them into the humble, selfless, giving creatures I sometimes glimpse.  In the meantime, I'm going to try to remember moments like today, when K looked at me earnestly and said, "Who do you think needs the money more?"

NAMING

1 : to give a name to : call

On Christmas night, I gave each of my daughters a final gift: the gift of words. I started with each girl by asking her who had named her. Then we talked about how when J and I named her, we didn't even know her yet. (When I shared this with B, she said, "What else would you have named me now that you know me? How about Caroline? I like the name Caroline.")

I told them that now that I know them, I want to tell them things that I do know about them. I shared with the older girls that I think it's easy sometimes to forget who you are when you get older. I told them each that while I now know I'm a reader, I spent several years where I read hardly a book for pleasure. That's hard to believe given that I've read nearly 80 books this year, but it shows how little I listened to my own heart and how much I let myself be defined by those who didn't even know me. I told them that I will write these things down and put them in their Christmas stockings and add one trait each year.

It was especially important for me to use my words to affirm the many positive traits that I see in my daughters during Christmas. I'm sure I was encouraged at their age, but I remember the criticisms much more. I still feel like a failure around my parents and I wanted to have these quiet moments with each of my daughters to remind myself of who I am becoming. And one of the things I am becoming is a mother, a woman, a wife who uses words with knowledge of the power that they hold and in a way that builds up, encourages and instructs wisely. So this gift was as much for me as it was for them. I wanted to remind myself of who I am by reminding them of who they are.

If you're curious, their lists were:

A:
Dancer
Reader
Graceful
Thoughtful
Helpful
Quick Learner
Gentle
Strong
Beautiful

B:
Creative
Helpful
Organized
Good Eyes (she sees things others don't see)
Bold
Strong
Beautiful
Inclusive

K:
Exuberant
Detail Oriented
Gentle
Beautiful
Sharing

I hope reminding my daughters of these traits each year will help them remember that they are strong even when they feel weak. I hope it will help them ignore those who will tell them they are ugly because they will know they are beautiful.

I know they will have their moments of doubt. But I hope the power of having these traits within them named aloud and called forth will stay with them through the storms that await.

COOKIES

1 : small flat or slightly raised cakes

As I've mentioned, this Christmas season hasn't gone exactly as I would have liked. The tree went up on December 6th, more than a week post-Thanksgiving. The nightly Advent calendar didn't happen. My book of Christmas devotions went largely unread. A gingerbread house was never made. I knew I had to give myself some grace with the little things in order to get A to and from Nutcracker while retaining some semblance of family sanity. So it came as a huge blessing and a bit of a surprise to find that the Christmas I know and love was waiting for me on Christmas break.

Earlier this week, the girls and I hosted a Cookie Party. When A was 3, a friend invited her to a cookie party. I went with her and we decorated cookies with a few friends and their moms. Ever since, we've hosted our own cookie party. We've done it many different ways - one year we invited classmates from ballet class, another year we hosted it at their ballet school, last year it was a family affair with Scofields, Horns and Trusses in town from Alabama and Wisconsin. This year, each girl was allowed to invite three friends, so we had a house full of girls (and two boys).

The day before the party was busy. A was still recovering from The Nutcracker and her cold, so she spent a lot of the day reading and lounging in bed. I joined her for a few hours while B & K were at a party in order to finish a great book. This was a Christmas gift in and of itself, but it put me a bit behind in cookie preparation. Just before bed on Monday night, I finally threw together a sugar cookie dough and put it in the fridge to chill overnight.

When I got up Tuesday morning, I pulled the dough out and got to work while I drank my first cup of coffee. It wasn't long before K joined me. She picked her favorite cookie cutters and went to town, making star after star, Christmas tree after Christmas tree. B soon joined us, using multiple cookie cutters to make hearts with stars inside and stars with hearts inside. Leave it to B, my most creative daughter, to find her own way to make cookies. I loved having them in the kitchen with me, cutting the dough, sneaking a bite here and there, hanging out with me doing something I love to do. It made it that much sweeter to see them decorate their cookies later with friends.

Things only got better the next morning when I started melting chocolate for dipping pretzels. All three girls wanted in on the action and they quickly developed their own system of each doing a certain part of the job. Dipping and decorating the pretzels went so well that I figured they would all want a break while I worked on the next batch of cookies. So I let them watch a TV show while I got started. They all surprised me by joining me at the dining room table and rolling dough, leaving the TV blessedly unwatched.

And then their final cookie gift to me: Christmas Eve dawned with one very important cookie left to be made, along with my entire Christmas Eve menu. I was making a gumbo for the first time ever and was nervous, so I decided to start with the roux. Once that was done, I could get the gumbo base simmering and move on to cookie making and appetizer prepping. Unfortunately, the roux burnt.... and I was out of flour. So J left for the grocery store while I decided to go ahead and get going with the final batch of cookies.

The girls were playing quietly in their rooms when I started. I got the dough separated and lining the mini-muffin tins about the time J returned with more flour for my second attempt at a roux that was dark brown, but not burnt. My daughters came to the rescue. A was the first to join me, lining each pastry shell with pecans. B and K soon joined us, allowing me to give them instructions and say a quick prayer before heading back to the stove to stir up a roux.

I don't think my daughters know it, but their biggest and best gift to me this Christmas season was the way they joined me again and again in making cookies. I have such fond memories of baking cookies with my grandmother. We did it every year at Christmas, using the same recipes I made this season. I didn't have to cajole, beg or even ask the girls to help me. They helped because they wanted to. They helped because it was fun.

And I hope they will want to help me year after year because it makes my heart sing to bake alongside them, to roll out memories with the dough and pop them into our hearts to bake.

ADVENT

1 : the period beginning four Sundays before Christmas and observed by some Christians as a season of prayer and fasting
3 not capitalized : a coming into being or use

I've been thinking about Advent lately. Not just the season itself, but the term. Our family attends a church that doesn't make a big deal of Advent - there's no Advent wreath, no lighting of special candles, few Christmas carols sung. Each year, that kind of makes me sad. Once Thanksgiving has come and gone, I want all Christmas music, all the time. It lifts my spirits, it lightens my heart, it reminds me of what this season is about. And I could use a few reminders...

Sadly, this time of year is extra busy for our family. This is the second year that our daughter A has danced in Nashville Ballet's Nutcracker production. She loves it. She spends hours practicing for mere minutes on the stage. But she gets to dance in TPAC's Jackson Hall, she sees professional dancers up close and personal, she hangs out with other girls who share her passion for dance and she grows in her gift of dance. I've been trying to remember that these are important, things worthy of advent.

I was sharing with J a few nights ago that I've been a little sad lately that I haven't had the time or energy to focus as much on others as I would like during this season. I've been too busy shuttling children to and fro, keeping our family schedule straight and seeking to build rest into our day, our week, our month. I want to be able to focus family time and energy on giving to others - on adopting a family and buying their Christmas gifts, on cooking dinner for a neighbor's birthday, on meeting a need that I hear about because I actually have time to listen. J listened sympathetically and then gently reminded me that I am focusing on others - I'm focusing on my children during this season. (See why I love this guy?)

That conversation soothed my spirit. And it made me think about the fact that advent is not just about coming, but about becoming. Jesus didn't come here and take on human form for us to stay the same. Advent changed him and it should change us. Advent should be a time when we ponder the miracle of God made flesh and ponder how our flesh, our bone, our gifts reflect this God. But we don't always like to ponder this. It's a little scary, isn't it? Because if we actually seek to understand who we are made to be, we might have to leave safety, security and comfort behind. We might actually yearn to become someone who doesn't fear.

I long for that. I long to let go of my fear of what others think. I long to be comfortable and confident spending my advent pouring into my family and children, sowing seeds in their hearts, pruning and growing them into strong women. But all too often I find myself worried about what others must think. We've missed church a few times this month. We've all been exhausted or sick. Once we just needed a day to be home together. So what do I fear?

I fear other families judging our choice to let A dance in The Nutcracker. I fear B & K being envious of the time our family devotes to A's dancing (although we try very hard to make the season special for them as well and they have thus far shown only joy in seeing their sister dance). I fear failing them. I fear they won't remember Advent as anything special. But if I am testing my own heart and listening to who I am becoming this season, I should set fear aside and celebrate not just the arrival of a special season, but my children becoming more of who they are made to be while being mothered by a woman who is seeking to become who she was made to be.

As I write this post, A is finishing up her final performance. She's not feeling well. In fact, she's danced three times in the past two days with a sore throat that hurts so much it has made her cry. But she begged to dance. She didn't want to let her classmates down. She didn't want Nashville Ballet to have to get another dancer to replace her. She wanted, desperately wanted, to use her gift. And I look at her and feel ashamed that I am so hesitant to be who I am called to be. I find excuse after excuse not to write. I have a daughter who will push herself beyond what many 9 year olds could bear to use her gift. So how can I leave my gift to wither and die? What kind of example would that be?

Who are you thinking about this Advent? And perhaps more importantly, who are you becoming this Advent?