My life, even more than usual, seems to be more about the pieces than the whole. A major renovation of our kitchen starts one week from today and while it is my belief (hope?) that the finished kitchen will look like a kitchen, we have spent many hours choosing many, many pieces that will assemble the whole.
This focus on the pieces has left me feeling a bit fragmented myself. When your life is filled with minutiae, it's hard to take a step back and see the whole picture. It's not that I don't try. Even tonight, as I was heating dinner, I tried to envision how I will execute those same steps in our new kitchen.
The pot will come from a drawer beside the stove, not a pot rack above it.But I am still a long way from standing in that completed kitchen and there are many more pieces to find, sort and fit into place to get there. Perhaps even more important, I must sort my fragmented self into some semblance of a whole person in order to get through the chaos that stands between now and a renovated kitchen.
I will have countertops on either side of the stove, for stacking plates to fill with food for my family.
I'll be able to get ingredients from one pantry instead of nearly standing on my head to get something from shallow cabinets under a bar counter.
And, perhaps most exciting, I'll be able to do all of this while walking, standing and cooking on a cork floor instead of a black and white linoleum one that shows every speck of dirt that touches it.
I know the kitchen efforts are taking a toll on me as a mom. K is participating in a Vacation Bible School this week and on our way to drop her off this morning, I was already frustrated with my daughters before 8:30 AM. Should they quick the bickering? Yes. Should I let it get to me as I did this morning? Absolutely not. I knew in my head that I was being irrational. I even reminded myself that they were just being kids. But that didn't help calm my racing mind. It didn't help me stop making a list of all of the things that needed doing today. I hate that even when I'm aware of my irrationality and the fact that I am letting the pressure of all of the moving parts get to me, I don't have a reset button I can hit. Or do I?
For several weeks, I've been thinking that I'd like to study the Beatitudes this summer. Not in a group, but by myself, just as a way to consistently be studying the Bible. While I enjoyed doing a Beth Moore study in the spring, I missed digging in deep to specific scriptures, reading the Greek definitions, developing my own understanding on the passage. The Beatitudes are short, so they seemed like a good summer attempt at a solo inductive study.
This afternoon after VBS, the plumber, the flooring delivery, a quick drive through lunch, a trip to the dentist and a restocking of the book supply at the library, I sat for a few minutes. And while my daughters were upstairs watching a movie, I tried to let go of all of the pieces that need mending. I tried instead to ponder the phrase, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." And I think maybe that was exactly what I needed to hear: that I'll be blessed when I know just how little I know, when I see just how little I can do on my own. Here's hoping the lesson sits on my heart, marinates overnight and results in a fresh me tomorrow.
Photos are some of the pieces of my life.